Change of Fate
by Maressa
Summary: Fate can take many directions. The only question is, when the time comes, what path will you choose?
1. Default Chapter

Title: Change of Fate  
  
Author: Maressa  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Characters: Brian/Justin/OMC  
  
Summary: Fate can take many directions. The only question is, when the time comes, what path will you choose?  
  
Notes: The idea for this story has been floating around in my head for a while, and it just wouldn't leave until I finally put it down on paper. The time frame of this story begins in May of this year, and belongs in an Ethan- free world. Huge thanks to the wonderful Jenna! I couldn't have done it without her.  
  
~Chapter 1~  
  
Brian knew that he was in a church, but that was the extent of it. He had no memory of going there, no idea why he would even be there at all. It was strange. Brian was standing at the back of the church, alone. There was a fair sized crowd ahead of him, clustered around the alter. He couldn't see what they were looking at. He felt himself drawn to the crowd, although there was a nagging voice warning him to run. He ignored that voice and began walking towards the front of the church. The people he passed gave Brian looks that he couldn't quite interpret, a mixture of sadness and pity. Why he was in need of pity, Brian didn't know. He was annoyed both by their pity and his confusion. Brian liked to have full control of every situation, and this total confusion was less than appealing.  
  
As he reached the alter, Brian saw what had drawn the crowd. A polished wooden casket rested upon the alter, surrounded by flowers. The urge to flee was even stronger now, and yet, Brian couldn't. There were only a few people between him and it, and they moved away as he approached. Brian ignored them, and focused only on the shiny wood. Even before he peered inside, Brian knew who it was he would find lying in the casket.  
  
Still, Brian found it hard to breathe when he finally saw the beautiful young man stretched out in his eternal slumber. In life he had been known for his beauty, but in death the teen had gained an even greater measure of radiance, if that was possible. Brian found that it was impossible to move, even though it tore his heart to look at his beloved like this.  
  
Brian looked at the teen's hands that had been placed on his chest. For once they had been completely cleaned of paint and ink and clay. No more works of art would come from those hands. Never again would those hands roam Brian's body, touching him in places that were sure to make him scream, places no one else knew about. Never again would those fingers be intertwined with his as the came together in the blue haze of the bedroom. Brian then turned his attention to the young man's hair that shone like gold and felt like silk. Brian couldn't count the number of times when, following a long night of love making, he had held his sleepy baby in his arms and run his fingers through those locks. The young man's eyes were closed, his eyelashes spread across his cheeks like delicate fans, but Brian knew that the eyes behind those lids were blue. Sometimes they were soft and like, like when he was tired or sad and would put on that puppy dog look that made Brian want to hold him in his arms forever. When he was happy, they changed to a bright sparkling blue. And other times the blue almost disappeared, like they were when they dilated as Brian made love to him. Finally, Brian came to the young man's lips. How many times had he kissed those lips? Brian couldn't say. Certainly more than he had kissed anyone else, and yet he never tired of kissing the teen. Those lips had cried out in pleasure, called out Brian's name, softly whispered "I love you" when he thought Brian was asleep. Now he had been silenced forever. Never again would the young man break into one of his famous smiles that had earned him his nickname. Some people though it was because of the teen's hair, but Brian knew better. He was called Sunshine because of the way his smile could light up a room. Those smiles were intoxicating, almost more than the kisses.  
  
Justin looked so peaceful. It was as if he were only asleep and would wake at any moment. How could his darling Justin be dead? It couldn't be Brian couldn't imagine what could have caused his lovers early demise, but he felt sure that it should be him in that coffin and not Justin. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Justin deserved to grow up. He deserved to become a famous artist. He deserved to be happy. He deserved to be loved.  
  
Brian gasped. He had never told Justin how he felt. He had always known that the teen knew that he had, at least cared, but he had never said the words that Justin so longed to hear. Brian leaned forward and touched Justin's hand. It was cold. He clutched Justin's hand in his own, and placed a soft kiss on his lovers lips. In fairy tales, the kiss of the handsome prince always revived the sleeping lover, and Brian waited for Justin's eyes to flutter open. Nothing happened. Brian kissed him again, this time with more urgency.  
  
"Come on baby. Please wake up." he murmured against Justin's lips. Tears fell from his eyes onto the teen's cheeks. "I need you Justin. I can't live without you. I love you." Still Justin didn't move. "You can't be gone. You have to wake up." he said it over and over again until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning his head, Brian saw Debbie standing next to him.  
  
"Come on Bri." She said sadly. "Let me take you home."  
  
"No. I can't leave him."  
  
"I know it's hard honey, but it will get easier with time."  
  
"He can't be dead." Brian released Justin's hand and slowly backed away as Debbie tried to approach him.  
  
"You've got to accept this Brian."  
  
"No. It can't be true."  
  
"Justin is dead. As much as I wish it weren't true, it is."  
  
"No!" Brian cried out, and as he did he woke up. Brian sat up in bed and took in great gulps of air. Automatically he reached for Justin's side of the bed to comfort himself by taking the teen in his arms. But Justin's side of the bed was empty and cold.  
  
For a moment he was confused, and then he was angry with himself, angry for the hot tears that stung his eyes, angry for thinking of that side of the bed as Justin's angry for forgetting that Justin wouldn't be there, because they had broken up. Brian felt stupid for crying over a bad dream. He had never been one to cry, not even over bad dreams as a child. Not even when his dad decided to use him as a punching bag. The bed felt so empty with Justin gone. Brian had become used to having someone beside him.  
  
Pushing that sentimental bullshit aside, Brian got up and padded over to the kitchen. His old friend Jim Beam was sitting on the counter. Brian briefly considered taking out a glass, but decided that the effort was too much, and so he raised the bottle to his lips. The warm liquid burned as it slid down his throat. Against his will, Brian found his thoughts turning towards the dream he just had. What did it mean? The I-don't-give-a-shit- about-anyone-but-myself part of him told him that it was nothing, just a dream, meaningless. But there was another part of him that said it meant something important, something he couldn't understand. Brian didn't want to think about it, or anything else for that matter. He wanted to sink into oblivion. He lifted the bottle again and took a long drink. It did the trick, and he found his eyes closing. Brian stumbled back to his bed, and there he fell into an uneasy sleep. 


	2. chapter 2

~Chapter 2~  
  
"Justin." Debbie called as she knocked on the door to his room. "Your mom will be here soon." She couldn't hear any movement, and so she slowly opened the door and stuck her head inside. Justin was still fast asleep. She had to shake him a little to get him to wake up. "Sorry to have to get you up, but you have things to do."  
  
"S'okay." Justin mumbled as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?"  
  
"8:30."  
  
"Shit!" he was suddenly alert. "I meant to get up a long time ago."  
  
"You'll be okay, you still have half an hour before she gets here. Go get cleaned up. How about I make you some breakfast?"  
  
"No thanks Deb. I'm not hungry."  
  
"That's what you said about dinner last night."  
  
"I haven't been hungry lately."  
  
"That's not like you." she said "Listen Sunshine, I know you're upset about the whole thing with Brian, but it won't help if you starve yourself."  
  
"This isn't about him. I've just been really busy lately. I'm overtired. Things will get better now that school is out for the summer."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I'm sure Deb. There are some things I have to work out about the Brian situation, but this isn't about him. I'll be fine."  
  
Debbie looked doubtful, but decided not to push it. Instead, she turned around and went back downstairs. Justin headed to the bathroom to start getting ready. He splashed some cold water on his face, and then looked at himself in the mirror. Justin hardly saw the person he saw reflected there. The mirror image was very pale with dark circles under the eyes. What was happening to him? Something wasn't right, and Justin had been honest when he said it was more than Brian. Sure he felt crappy about the whole situation, but this was ridiculous. He just felt like he had no energy. More than anything, Justin wanted to curl up in bed and sleep all day, but he had promised his mother that he would help her out around the new house, so he continued to get ready.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Justin came down the stairs. As he took a seat at the kitchen table, Debbie set a plate in front of him.  
  
"Deb." he said pushing the plate away.  
  
"Deb nothing." she replied, pushing it back to him. "I don't care what you say. You have a busy day ahead of you, so you have to eat something first."  
  
Justin eyed the plate with trepidation, but Debbie was watching him like a mother hen, so he wearily picked up his fork. Justin spent the next few minutes pushing the food around more than he eating it, although Debbie managed to get him to take a few bites. He was spared when there was a knock at the door, and Debbie went to let his mother in. Justin got up from the table and then had to grab a chair to keep from falling.  
  
"Are you okay?" asked Debbie who had seen him start to stumble.  
  
"I'm fine." he assured her. "Just a little bit of dizziness."  
  
"Are you sure honey?" his mother asked. "You look awfully tired."  
  
"Yeah, that's all it is." Justin didn't tell the women that his vision kept going black. There was no need to worry then. It was probably nothing.  
  
"Do you want to do this another day?"  
  
"No, I'll be fine. Let's get it done now." His mother relented and they walked out to the car.  
  
The sunlight was blinding, and it gave Justin a sharp headache. What was wrong with him? Justin gratefully sunk into his seat. He hadn't even been up for an hour, and already Justin was exhausted. He didn't know how he was going to make it through the day. 


	3. chapter 3

~Chapter 3~  
  
"Brian, there's a call for you on line two." Cynthia's voice came over the speaker.  
  
"Who is it?" Brian snapped, annoyed at being interrupted.  
  
"It's Michael."  
  
"Okay, I'll take it." he heard the call being transferred. "Hey Mikey."  
  
"Hi Brian. What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm working. Some of us do that you know, instead of reading comics all day." Brian teased.  
  
"Fuck you!" Michael said as he laughed. "I work too, sort of."  
  
"Mikey, I have a shit load of work to do, so why don't you just tell me what you want."  
  
"Let's go to the diner and then to Babylon tonight. I've barely seen you all week."  
  
"I can't." said Brian quickly.  
  
"Look, you can't avoid Justin forever."  
  
"I'm not avoiding him."  
  
"That's bullshit. You hardly go to the diner anymore."  
  
"I've been busy, and it's not like I've stopped going at all."  
  
"Yeah, but you usually go when you know Justin won't be working."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"I'm sure." said Michael dryly.  
  
"For your information," said Brian "the reason I can't go is business related. One of our new clients in California is nuts, and this morning Ryder, in his infinite wisdom, decided that I should haul my ass to LA tomorrow and fix everything. I really appreciate all the advance notice. Do you know how long it's going to take me to get ready?"  
  
"I still have nightmares about the last time I helped you pack. How long will you be gone?"  
  
"A week and a half."  
  
"Brian," Michael whined "I never get to see you anymore."  
  
"Don't start with me. Lindz is going to be pissed. I was supposed to go over to see her house for a barbeque on Memorial Day."  
  
"Brian Kinney at a family barbeque? If you're not careful you might turn out to be a halfway decent person."  
  
"Thanks for all the encouragement. I was only going to do it for Gus. He needs a strong masculine influence. if I'm not careful, the Munchers will turn him into a lesbian."  
  
"That would be a first."  
  
"I wouldn't put it past Melanie."  
  
"Look Bri, at least come to Woody's after you finish packing."  
  
"Fine. I'll see you at nine." Brian severed the connection without waiting to say goodbye.  
  
He left work early that day, and went home to get ready for his trip. When he arrived at Woody's, Michael, Emmett, and Ted were already at the bar. He went over and ordered a drink. As they were talking they heard a voice from behind them.  
  
"Hey boys, want to know your fortunes?" It was Mystic Marilyn. Brian snorted into his drink. "What's so amusing?"  
  
"All your fate crap. Why would anyone waste their money on that shit?"  
  
"Tell you what, for you I'll do it for free. You don't believe in it anyway, so what have you got to lose?" Brian couldn't resist a challenge.  
  
"All right. Let's see what you've got."  
  
"Well first of all, I hope you have a good trip to California." Emmett and Ted gasped. Brian just rolled his eyes.  
  
"That's nothing. You probably overheard us talking."  
  
"You keep telling yourself that dear." she spread the tarot cards out on the bar. "Let's see what the fates have in store for you." Then there was a long pause. "Oh, oh dear. That's so sad."  
  
"Let me guess, I get struck by lightning, or better yet, I get run over by a bus." Brian jibbed.  
  
"You'll wish it was something like that. Finally a situation you can't control no matter how hard you try." Marilyn's voice had become quiet and steely, but Brian refused to take her seriously.  
  
"So what is this awful fate that will befall me?"  
  
"I. . . I can't say. It's just too terrible for words."  
  
"You're such a fraud." Brian laughed.  
  
"Am I? Tell me, had any interesting dreams lately?" Brian stopped laughing.  
  
"Dreams don't mean anything." he was saying the words more to himself than to her. "Anyway, look at how your other 'predictions' turned out."  
  
"I said that cute blonde boy would be in New York and he was. Wasn't he?"  
  
"Yeah, but you said that he was going to become a go-go boy in Chelsea."  
  
"Which he would have of you hadn't gone to find him. And what about that couple's wedding?"  
  
"It happened, and from what I hear it was very nice."  
  
"Because you stepped in when everything was going wrong."  
  
"What's your point?" asked Brian.  
  
"Let me share a secret with you. Destiny is a tricky thing. It can change. There is always more than one path. My predictions are one possibility, but you can decide to change your fate."  
  
"I'm all a quiver with excitement." Brian drained the rest of his drink.  
  
"Okay, listen up asshole." Marilyn gave Brian a penetrating stare. "I'm not going to tell you everything, but I'll tell you this much, pretty soon you're going to be faced with something big. There are only two paths you can take. With one, you can choose to ignore what you see. It will seem like the easier one at the time, but in the end will bring you great sorrow. The other one won't be so easy, but in the end it will be worth what you receive in return. Those are the two paths. The only question is, when the time comes, which one will you choose?" 


	4. chapter 4

~Chapter 4~  
  
"Oh, hi Jen!" Debbie said as she opened the door. "Come on in."  
  
"Thanks. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought that I would drop off a few things I picked up for Justin. Is he home?"  
  
"No. He went to see a movie with Daphne."  
  
"Oh that's nice. Maybe I'll wait for him to get back."  
  
"Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?"  
  
"Some water would be great." Debbie filled a glass and brought it over to the table. "Deb, I'm a little bit worried about Justin."  
  
"Me too. I'm glad you brought it up, because I've been meaning to talk to you about the same thing."  
  
"He just seems so out of sorts right now. He seems so exhausted."  
  
"You're telling me. He's been working his little bubble butt off at the diner, and I suggested that he cut back his work schedule, but he won't. He wants the extra cash. When he's not working all he does is sleep. Daphne practically had to drag him out of the house this morning."  
  
"Plus I think he's lost some weight."  
  
"Probably. Every time I give him something to eat he says he's not hungry. He's so skinny as is. He doesn't need to lose any more weight."  
  
"Has he been doing any sketches at least?" asked Jennifer.  
  
"Not that I know of.."  
  
"Then something must really be wrong." It takes a lot to keep him from drawing. Once, when he was little, he stopped drawing for a few days. It turned out that his appendix was about to rupture. He had to have emergency surgery."  
  
"What do you think could be bothering him now?" Debbie asked.  
  
"I'm not sure. At first I thought it was Brian." Jennifer spit out the name like it was a bitter poison. "But now I'm not so sure about that."  
  
"I know what you mean. Every time I ask him what's wrong he just says that he's tired. It's been a week and he doesn't seem to be getting any better despite all the sleep he's been getting."  
  
"I think we need to talk to him before things get any worse."  
  
Jennifer was still there when Justin got home an hour later. After a quick hello to Debbie and his mother, Justin collapsed onto the sofa and through an arm over his eyes to block out the sun that was shining into the room. The ladies moved from the kitchen into the living room and stood over Justin's prostrate form.  
  
"How was the movie?" his mother asked.  
  
"Not bad."  
  
"Where's Daphne?" asked Debbie "I thought she was going to hang out here for the evening."  
  
"She had a date, so she just dropped me off after we were done." Justin replied. He sensed that the women were not going to leave him alone just yet, so he sat up slowly and began massaging his temples.  
  
"What's the matter kiddo?"  
  
"I have a seven aspirin headache." he said. "Have you ever felt like there was a clamp on your head and someone was slowly tightening the screw?"  
  
"That bad?"  
  
"Worse."  
  
"Justin sweetie," his mother said "Debbie and I have been talking, and were both a little bit worried about you.  
  
"Uh-oh. You two have been talking? That mean trouble." Justin smiled feebly. He had a good idea of what was coming next and wanted to avoid that conversation at all costs.  
  
"Smartass. Didn't you hear what your mother said? We're worried about you."  
  
"You don't need to be. I'm fine."  
  
"You're not fine. Anyone can see that." interjected Debbie.  
  
"It's just fatigue. It has been a pretty stressful year."  
  
"I know it has, but that doesn't explain everything. Is this the first day that you've had a bad headache?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How long has this been going on?"  
  
"About three weeks, I guess."  
  
"And are there any other problems we should know about?" Justin hesitated for a moment before he answered.  
  
"Well, I get dizzy whenever I start to stand up, and sometimes my vision goes black for a few seconds."  
  
"Plus you're tired all the time." added Debbie.  
  
"Yeah, that too."  
  
"Okay Justin. I'm afraid that there might be something physically wrong. I think that we should try to get you a doctor's appointment for tomorrow."  
  
"No thank you. I have had enough doctors to last me for one lifetime."  
  
"Don't be stubborn Sunshine. You need to see a doctor if you want to get better. Hell, I understand why you want to avoid it, but you have to think about your health."  
  
"Debbie is right." said Jennifer. "I don't think that whatever it is that is wrong will go away by itself.."  
  
"Can't we give it a little more time before we call a doctor?"  
  
"No Justin. The sooner you go to see someone, the better. They'll just run a few tests to find out what's going on. Then they'll give you a prescription and before you know it, you'll be good as new."  
  
"I have to work tomorrow." said Justin, stalling for time.  
  
"That's okay Sunshine. I've got you covered."  
  
"But I'm really trying to save up as much as possible over the summer so that I don't have to work as much when I have classes."  
  
"I hardly think that missing one day will break your savings plan."  
  
"It will be hard to get there. The bus service is so unreliable." Justin switched tactics.  
  
"Don't worry sweetie." replied Jennifer "I can take you."  
  
"Don't you have to work?"  
  
"No. I'm not showing any houses until the next day.  
  
"You're not going to give up, are you?" asked Justin.  
  
"No!" they replied in unison. Justin looked from one woman to the other. They were so determined sometimes. Justin didn't think that he had enough strength to deal with one mother let alone two. Especially not when those mothers were Jennifer and Debbie, a most potent combination.  
  
"Fine." he relented. "Make the appointment. I'll go." 


	5. chapter 5

~Chapter 5~  
  
Brian had forgotten just how much he hated business trips. They were always such a pain in the ass. There were the long hours, the uncomfortable hotel rooms, and the seemingly endless lines of highly annoying ass kissers. The only slightly redeeming quality to the trip was that it gave Brian a whole new pool of men to choose from. Some nights, when he was finished with work, Brian would go out and check out the local clubs. On the nights that he didn't feel like going out, there were more than enough guys to interest him right there in the hotel, including the alleged happily married family man who had been the previous nights conquest. The way the man had cunningly slipped away from his young wife and children, hadn't gained him any respect in Brian's eyes, but that didn't stop Brian from enjoying the man entirely. Still, Brian was anxious to get back to Pittsburgh and his normal routine, but he still had four days left.  
  
That night, Brian was particularly tired and frustrated, so he decided to forgo any company and just crash early. He figured it couldn't hurt him to do that occasionally. After dinner and a long hot shower, Brian collapsed on the bed and immediately fell asleep. However, it was not a restful sleep for Brian, as he found himself in the midst of a strange dream.  
  
He didn't know where he was exactly. In fact, it almost seemed as if he weren't anywhere. He couldn't see in any direction, as there was a swirling grey fog that enveloped him. He tried walking in one direction, but it was pointless because Brian couldn't tell if he had made any progress at all. The fog was that thick. Brian felt as though he should be panicking, but he wasn't. Oddly enough, he couldn't muster up any emotions at all. It seemed like a wasted effort.  
  
He wasn't sure how long he had been in the fog before he heard his name being called. The voice was very quiet and seemed to come from a great distance, but still Brian could hear it clearly.  
  
"Who's out there?" Brian called. For a minute there was no answer, but then the voice called out his name again. The voice grew louder and louder until it rang in Brian's ears, and each time it said only one thing.  
  
"Brian!" Nothing more, and nothing less.  
  
It wasn't until the voice had reached a frantic pitch, that Brian realized who the voice belonged to. It was Justin.  
  
"Justin! Are you out there?" Brian called "What's going on?"  
  
"Brian!" The voice was softer now and mournful.  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"Come back." was the enigmatic reply.  
  
"Come back where?"  
  
"Come back. I need you."  
  
"Justin, what's going on?"  
  
"I need you Brian." Justin's voice trailed off into silence. Brian called to him, but there was no response.  
  
That was when panic really did set in. Justin was out there somewhere, out there in this fog that clouded all vision and threatened to swallow him up. Justin was out there, and something was wrong, of that Brian had no doubt. Hadn't he heard the sadness, the pain in the young man's voice? Brian stumbled blindly through the fog, unsure of where he was going. There was only one objective in mind, and that was finding Justin. But no matter how far he walked, Brian came no closer to locating his erstwhile lover.  
  
Suddenly, the grey turned into a deep hideous black. Everything started spinning, slowly at first, but quickly gaining speed. Brian felt like he had been sucked up by a tornado, like he was falling down a hole with no end. There were voices hear too, but none of them were Justin. Most of them were indistinguishable, but one of them buzzed in Brian's ear. It was Mystic Marilyn's voice, high and taunting.  
  
"Had any dreams lately?" and then "Which path will you choose?"  
  
Over and over this was repeated until Brian wanted to scream. Then, just as suddenly as it had begun, the dream was over and Brian was back in his hotel room. He lay still for a few minutes, not wanting to move, allowing his heart rate to return to something approximating normal. At last he turned his head to glance at the clock. It was still fairly early. He couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour. Brian continued to lie there and tried not to think about what the dream could mean. 


	6. chapter 6

~Chapter 6~  
  
Even before the doctor opened his mouth, Justin knew what he was going to say. Deep down inside, he had known for weeks, but he had ignored it, pretended it wasn't there, hoped that it would go away on its own. But there could be no more pretending. It was time to face the truth.  
  
"Mrs. Taylor, Justin, the tests that we've run indicate that there is a serious problem." Dr. Graham said "The MRI shows that you have a brain tumor."  
  
"Are you sure?" asked Jennifer.  
  
"I'm afraid so. I consulted quite a few other doctors and they all agree."  
  
"What are the treatment options?" Jennifer asked tearily. Justin just sat there.  
  
"Well, unfortunately there are not many options available."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Because of the size of the tumor, and the way it is embedded in the brain we can't operate."  
  
"So you mean I'm dying." Justin said at last. It was a statement not a question.  
  
"Don't say that sweetie." Jennifer chastised.  
  
"Mrs. Taylor, I would like to offer you some hope, but in all honesty, Justin is right."  
  
"Isn't there anything you can do?"  
  
"There is one thing I would like to try, although it is a long shot. We are testing a new medication, that, if successful, would shrink the tumor to a size that would make surgery a possibility."  
  
"But you don't think it's going to work." said Justin.  
  
"The initial tests have been a bit of a disappointment."  
  
"How long. . . How long does he have doctor?"  
  
"That's hard to say. A few months maybe, not more than six."  
  
"That's all?" Jennifer gasped.  
  
"I'm sorry." Dr. Graham shuffled through a stack of cards on his desk before finding the one he was looking for, which he handed to Jennifer. "I recommend that the two of you get in touch with this therapist. You can choose to go separately or together. It's up to you, but I really think that he can help you in the coming weeks."  
  
"Thank you doctor." Jennifer said as she and Justin stood up to leave. Justin didn't say it, but there was no way he was going to see a shrink.  
  
"Justin, I want to have you in once a week, and call me if you need anything. Now, all we can do is hope for the best."  
  
Justin nodded at the doctor, not really taking in what he was saying. He felt numb, empty inside as if he had left his body and only a shell of his former life remained. Jennifer guided Justin out of the office and back to the car for the ride back to Debbie's house. Justin was barely conscious of anything that was happening around him as he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts. He had known for a while that things weren't right. At first he had tried to ignore it, but the problem wouldn't go away. It kept growing despite Justin's best efforts to push it back. It was different now that he couldn't ignore it anymore, now that it had a name. It was harder to take no that it came complete with a timer, counting down the seconds he had left on earth. Justin was shaken from his thoughts when his mother turned off the car and put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Come on honey. Let's go inside."  
  
"Both Debbie and Vic were waiting for their return. When the door opened, Debbie turned with a big smile that died instantly as she saw the dead look in Justin's eyes. For once she didn't say anything, and Justin silently thanked her for that. His knees felt weak as he crossed the living room and took a seat at the kitchen table. Jennifer followed him, and then Debbie and Vic took the two remaining chairs. They sat there waiting for someone to say something, anything. Anything was better than this maddening silence.  
  
"The doctor. . . The doctor says," began Jennifer haltingly "that Justin. . . that Justin has. . ."  
  
"I have a brain tumor and I'm dying." said Justin flatly. His voice was devoid of any emotion.  
  
"Justin, I wish you wouldn't say it quite like that."  
  
"Why not? It's the truth."  
  
"I. . . I know sweetie, but I still wish you would say something else."  
  
"What do you want me to say mother? What the fuck do you want me to say instead?"  
  
"I don't know Justin."  
  
"Neither do I." he replied "Look, I'm sorry but I don't know what else to say."  
  
"Did the doctor say how long you've got?" asked Vic.  
  
"Six months if I'm lucky." said Justin with a bitter laugh.  
  
"Justin, I'm so sor. . ." Debbie began.  
  
"Don't say it Deb. Please don't say it." Justin cut her off. "If you do I'll lose it."  
  
"Okay Sunshine."  
  
"I was thinking on the ride over here," said Jennifer :and I thought that, if Dr. Graham says it's okay, it might be nice to go to Europe for a few weeks, visit all the art museums."  
  
"I'm not interested."  
  
"Are you sure sweetie?"  
  
"Yes. I'm not interested. I want to keep working at the diner as long as possible."  
  
"Anything you want Sunshine. Just don't push yourself too hard."  
  
"Thanks Deb. Oh, and I don't want to tell anyone. I mean it, not anyone. I'll tell daphne, but other than that I don't want it to leave this room. That means no telling Lindsay, or Melanie, or Michael, or Emmett, or Ted, or. . ."  
  
"Or Brain." Vic finished for him.  
  
"Especially not Brain. I don't need anyone's pity."  
  
"It wouldn't be pity Justin. It would be support." Vic said.  
  
"Call it whatever you want, but I don't want them to know."  
  
"Justin, please, I don't think it's healthy for you to keep everything bottled up inside." said Jennifer.  
  
"I'm serious Mom. I don't want them to know. If you tell, I'll go away and find somewhere where I can die in peace."  
  
"Okay Justin, but I wish you would reconsider." said Debbie in an effort to calm him.  
  
"I'll tell them when I'm ready." Justin stood up from the table. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go upstairs and lay down."  
  
"Sure thing Sunshine." As Justin reached the stairs, he turned to the group seated at the table.  
  
"After everything that's happened, I bet you didn't expect that I would be the first to go." He disappeared without another word.  
  
"I'm sorry that Justin is acting like this." said Jennifer sadly. She was still coming to terms with the fact that she was going to lose her baby.  
  
"Don't apologize. Given what he's going through, Justin deserves to be angry." replied Vic "Take it from someone who knows, there's a process you have to go through."  
  
"And where does that process end?"  
  
"Hopefully with peace and acceptance."  
  
Upstairs in his room, Justin sat very quietly. He wanted to cry, needed to cry, but the tears wouldn't come, and that just hurt him more because he craved the release they would bring. Part of him felt as though he were trapped in a bizarre dream, and would wake at any moment to find that the world was as it should be. Truly, he knew that this wasn't a dream and when he woke up, it would still be true. And so Justin sat there, alone and afraid. 


	7. chapter 7

~Chapter 7~  
  
Brian got back to Pittsburgh late on Wednesday, so it wasn't until Thursday evening that he had a chance to connect with his friends over a quick bite at the diner before heading over to Babylon. Privately, Brian was glad to see them, but it wouldn't do to let them know that, so before stepping into the diner, Brian put on his best bored expression. Michael, Emmett, and Ted were already occupying their usual booth when Brian walked in and elegantly slid onto the seat next to Michael.  
  
"Hey." he said by way of greeting.  
  
"Hey. How was LA?" asked Michael.  
  
"Tedious."  
  
"And the men?" Emmett moved directly to the most important question.  
  
"Mediocre."  
  
"Happy to be home?" Ted asked.  
  
"What? Happy to be back in the Pitts? No one is happy about that unless they have a death wish."  
  
"Then why don't you move?" Brian decided to ignore the last question, turning his attention to the potential bed mates for the night.  
  
That was when Brian saw Justin serving a nearby table. Brian silently cursed himself for forgetting that this was one of Justin's nights to work. He hadn't prepared himself for that. Still, he couldn't quite take his eyes of the teen. As he watched the younger man, Brian became vaguely aware that something was off with Justin. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something was definitely different about him. At the risk of never hearing the end of it, Brian put the question to the guys.  
  
"What's up with Justin?"  
  
"What do you mean?" they were all looking at him as if he had suddenly grown an extra head, which wasn't too surprising since, following the break- up, Brian had very nearly killed anyone who mentioned Justin's name.  
  
"I don't know. He just seems different."  
  
"Maybe he got a new haircut." suggested Emmett. Brian rolled his eyes.  
  
"Not something like that. It's bigger than that."  
  
"Since when did you develop such an interest in the Boy Wonder?"  
  
"I don't really care. I was just asking."  
  
"Could it be that someone is missing his boy toy?" asked Ted happily. It always thrilled him when he had an opportunity to taunt Brian Kinney.  
  
"Could it be that someone wants to lose the balls he allegedly posses?" Brian asked back. "Though I was never convinced that they exist."  
  
Brian went into pout mode, and as the boys had no real desire to risk the family jewels they let the issue slide, returning instead to their earlier conversation while Brian sulked. Trying to be subtle, Brian continued to watch Justin as he moved about the restaurant. The longer he watched him, the more he became convinced that something had changed. All of a sudden, Brian realized what was missing. It was Justin's smile. He would smile at the customers, but it wasn't his usual bright sunshine smile. The smile he was giving seemed forced. As Brian was contemplating this discovery, he noticed Justin stumble slightly and grab onto the back of a booth for support. That was unusual. Brian waited until Justin disappeared into the back of the restaurant before he got up and went over to Debbie who was standing behind the counter.  
  
"Hey Deb." he said.  
  
"Well, if it isn't the anti-Christ." she retorted.  
  
"It's good to see you too, and by the way, my trip was fine."  
  
"Brian, as you can see, we're really busy tonight, and since I'm willing to bet that you didn't come over to chat, why don't you just tell me what you want."  
  
"What's up with Justin?"  
  
"Why do you want to know?" she asked as she tensed.  
  
"I was just wondering. He seems a little off."  
  
"He's fine." she replied quickly.  
  
"Are you sure? Look, if he needs anything. . ."  
  
"I told you, he's fine. And what he needs is peace and quiet, so just leave him alone." Debbie walked away to wait on another customer. Brian was slightly stunned by the apparent anger in her voice. He sensed that Debbie wasn't being entirely forthright with him, but if she said that Justin was fine it would be easy enough to believe her. Brian went to sit back down, pushing all thoughts of Justin out of his head.  
  
A few days later, Brian found himself back at the diner. Since his conversation with Debbie, Brian had tried to ignore the worried feeling he got every time he thought of Justin, which was all too often for comfort. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he could tell that something was wrong. The words of that crack-pot fortune teller kept coming back to him, haunting him when he tried to sleep. That was why he came back late Monday afternoon. He knew that the diner would be fairly empty at that hour.  
  
"He's not here." said Debbie as she watched Brian scan the room for a certain blonde young man.  
  
"Who's not here?" he asked, taking a seat at the counter.  
  
"That act might work with some people, but it doesn't work with me. Justin's not here. I made him take the day off." Debbie bit her lip when she realized what she had said.  
  
"So something is wrong with him."  
  
"No, he's just been working so hard lately that he needed a break."  
  
"You're lying to me. I can tell."  
  
"Why do you care? It's not like he's a part of your life anymore."  
  
"I can still ask."  
  
"Do you care about him?" Brian was taken aback by the question and couldn't respond. "Fine, don't answer. I can see right through you Brian, and I always could. If you really do care about this kid, you'll listen to what I say and leave him alone. Like I told you before, he needs peace and quiet, and he doesn't need you fucking with his head."  
  
"I don't fuck with his head."  
  
"Yes you do. Don't give me that look, because you do. So, if you care about Justin you'll leave him alone. You owe him that much. Now, what do you want to order?"  
  
"I'll have my usual." Brian glanced around the room one more time before coming to a decision. "To go."  
  
Brian pulled up in front of Debbie's house feeling both foolish and determined. He knew that he should have listened to her and stayed away, but he couldn't. She had given away enough to confirm his suspicions that something was up. Brian had enough of Debbie's cryptic bullshit, so if she wouldn't tell him what was going on, he would have to get it from Justin directly. As he reached the front door, it opened to reveal Justin and Daphne standing there.  
  
"Hey." Brian said to the teens.  
  
Neither of them answered him. Instead, Daphne gave Justin a quick hug and glared at Brian for a moment before hurrying to her car. It looked like she had been crying. Justin had turned around and walked away, so Brian let himself in and shut the door.  
  
"What's with women and their moods today?" Brian joked, feeling uncomfortable. Justin whipped around.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I just came to see how you were doing."  
  
"I'm fine, now please leave."  
  
"You're not fine, and I'm not leaving till you tell me what's going on." he started to walk towards Justin.  
  
"Don't touch me. Don't get any closer or I'll scream." warned Justin as he backed away from Brian.  
  
"Don't be such a drama princess."  
  
"I mean it. I'll scream."  
  
"Okay, okay." Brian stopped and put his hands up. "Just tell me what's going on. I want the truth."  
  
"The truth? You want the truth? I'm dying Brian! The trick who stayed to long is dying!" Justin was close to hysterical.  
  
"What?" Brian felt like he had been punched in the stomach. All the air had left his lungs.  
  
"Six months from now I'll be underground in a box, and you can forget all about me, pretend I never existed. Are you happy now?"  
  
"Happy? Of course not. Justin I. . ."  
  
"Get out!" interrupted Justin "I want you to leave."  
  
"Justin, please."  
  
"GET OUT NOW!" Justin screamed. He opened the front door and practically shoved Brian out the door before slamming and locking it.  
  
Brian didn't know what to do. He felt as though the world had stopped turning. He had known that something was wrong, but he could never have imagined this. Had those dreams been a warning, a sign of what was to come? Brian had always enjoyed solitude, but suddenly he felt very alone. He would have to get used to the emptiness if what Justin said was true. Brian didn't even want to contemplate what a world without the young man would be like. In that instant, everything became clear to Brian. He could no more live without Justin than he could love without oxygen, but it seemed that he wouldn't have a choice. Brian felt very weak, and had to sit down on the steps before he collapsed. He couldn't stop shaking. How could Justin, his Justin, be dying? Brian put his head in his hands and tried not to cry. 


	8. chapter 8

~Chapter 8~  
  
"Aren't you a sorry sight." said Debbie when she returned home from work to find Brian sitting motionless on her front steps. "You couldn't listen to me, could you?"  
  
"Is it true?" Brian's woebegone expression pierced Debbie's heart, and the anger she was feeling left her.  
  
"I'm afraid so kiddo." she sat down next to him on the step.  
  
"When did he find out?"  
  
"About two weeks ago. Just after you left for California."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me?"  
  
"Because no one knows. No one except Vic, Jen, Daphne, me and now you. Justin didn't want us to tell anyone. Besides, what could you have done."  
  
"I don't know, something."  
  
"You can't fix this Brian. As much as you'd like to you can't fix this."  
  
"Justin told me that once." Brian remembered. It seemed like a very distant memory, when in fact it had been less than a year ago.  
  
"When was that?"  
  
"When he thought he couldn't draw anymore."  
  
"But this is different."  
  
"So, I'm supposed to just sit here and watch him die? I can't do that."  
  
"Brian, I want to ask you something, and I want a real answer this time. Do you care about Justin?"  
  
"Yeah I do." admitted Brian "I care a lot."  
  
"So tell him."  
  
"That's not so easy Debbie."  
  
"I never said it would be, but you have to talk to him."  
  
"I can't promise him that this time thing will be different, because I don't know if it's true."  
  
"Then tell him that too. The only thing you need to promise is that you'll try. Come inside and talk to him, at least make an effort." said Debbie as she stood up.  
  
"I don't think Justin wants to see me. He wasn't exactly receptive to me earlier."  
  
"Justin doesn't know what he wants right now. Now, come inside."  
  
They stepped in the house to find Justin curled up on the sofa, fast asleep. They didn't want to wake him, so Brian gently lifted the young man into his arms and carried him p the stairs to his room. Once he set Justin on the bed, Brian found a blanket which he carefully draped over the teen. He took a moment to admire how peaceful Justin looked when he slept, before going back downstairs to join Debbie in the kitchen.  
  
"What does he have?" asked Brian.  
  
"And there's nothing they can do? They can't operate?"  
  
"If they could they would, Brian, but they can't. We've thought of that. The doctor has him trying out some new medication, but that doesn't seem to be working. If anything, it's making things worse."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"The side effects." Debbie explained. "It takes away his appetite, so unless someone is there to make him eat, he doesn't. His weight has been dropping pretty rapidly."  
  
"How long does he have?"  
  
"No more than six months. At the rate he's going right now, less."  
  
"Fuck!"  
  
"I know kiddo. It's not right, but it's only a matter of time. All we can do now is make Justin as happy as possible and pray for a miracle."  
  
"I. . . I don't know how I'm going to get through this."  
  
"You'll find a way. You have to. That's why you need to fix things with Justin. He needs you Brian, almost as much as you need him."  
  
After an hour, Brian went back up to Justin's room. The teen was just waking up and was very surprised to see Brian. However, this time he didn't get upset. In fact, he shoed no emotion at all. After hesitating for a moment, Brian took a seat at the foot of the bed. Rubbing his eyes, Justin sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. Brian and Justin became locked in an intense stare. It was a silent contest to see who would crack first. For once Brian lost.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"How do you think?" Justin noticed the hurt look on Brian's face. "I'm sorry. Did Debbie tell you everything?"  
  
"Yeah, she did. And I need to talk to you. I want us to get back together."  
  
"You're just saying that because I'm dying."  
  
"No Justin. I mean it. Let's try again."  
  
"I don't know if I can go through that again."  
  
"Please don't push me out of your life."  
  
"Brian, maybe I'm being cynical, but I can't help but feel like the only reason you're doing this is so you won't feel guilty later on."  
  
"Well you're partially right."  
  
"What do you mean, partially right?"  
  
"You know me better than almost anyone Justin, and you know my motto has always been 'no regrets'. If I don't at least try to make up for what a shit I've been to you, I know I'll regret it."  
  
"What are you saying?"  
  
"I. . . I care about you Justin." Brian stumbled over the words. It was one of the fine half-truths he was so good at. There was so much more that Brian wanted to say, but he couldn't. "I know I can't change the past, and I can't make any promises right now, but I'll try."  
  
"I've missed you Brian." Justin said softly.  
  
"Does that mean you'll give me another chance?"  
  
"I guess it does." they shared a brief smile.  
  
"I've missed you too baby."  
  
Brian slowly moved closer to Justin, and reached out to stroke his cheek. When the teen didn't flinch or push him away, Brian took it as a good sign and came even closer. They moved so that their lips were inches apart. Brian hesitated slightly, waited for permission, before leaning in to give Justin a soft kiss. Tears started to fall from Justin's eyes. It was the first time since hearing the news that he had been able to cry, and once he started, he found that he couldn't stop. Justin bit down on his lip to try and stifle a sob, but it escaped anyway. Brian wrapped his arms around Justin's waist, and held the teen tightly.  
  
"It's okay baby." Brian comforted. "Let it all out."  
  
"Please don't let go of me." Justin pleaded as he pressed his face into Brian's neck.  
  
"I won't." Brian assured him. He continued to hold his lover until there were no more tears left. 


	9. chapter 9

~Chapter 9~  
  
The next couple of weeks were very trying for both Brian and Justin. Neither man was sure where the relationship would lead, and they found it difficult to get around the initial awkwardness. With the help of Brian, Debbie convinced Justin that he needed to share his diagnosis with the rest of the group. Understandably, the announcement was greeted with sever shock. Justin had never realized how this dichotomous group of people had become a second family to him until that time. They grieved for him sincerely. Emmett even broke into tears the night Justin told them. Justin was still working at the diner, despite everyone's pleas that he stop, but his hours had been cut back significantly. The side effects of the medication wrecked havoc on Justin's body, and the weight loss was becoming more and more apparent. Justin had always been thin, but now he was bordering on emaciated.  
  
It didn't help anything that there was an immense strain between Brian and Jennifer. When she learned about the reconciliation between her son and Brian, Jennifer had been furious. She had hoped that the man would no longer be a part of Justin's or her life. Jennifer and Debbie had a heated argument on the subject. Jennifer was pissed that she had been the one to facilitate the renewed relationship. Debbie patiently explained that Justin had been miserable without Brian, and would die happier knowing that he had made peace with the man he loved. Privately, Jennifer wanted to take Justin back to her home and forbid Brian from seeing him, but she new from previous experience that would only lead to trouble, so he remained at Debbie's. Jennifer was determined not to do anything to harm the relationship that she had with her son in the months she had left. Brian and Jennifer were very careful to be civil to each other when Justin was around, but they avoided each other as much as possible.  
  
Sometimes it was hard to tell who is was that was taking the situation hardest. Despite her best efforts, Melanie was discovering that Brian wasn't as bad as he seemed. They were all touched by the devotion he showed to Justin, and they wondered how he would survive once the teen was gone. He truly had become the light of Brian's life. Watching Justin was equally tortuous because he seemed to have given up on life. It was as if he was just waiting for death to claim him. No one noticed this more keenly than Brian. Every day after work, Brian would either pick Justin up and take him to the loft, or stay with him at Debbie's. Sometimes Brian would try to get Justin to go out for a while, but the teen always refused. He avoided being out in public, venturing out only to go to work. Brian was becoming more and more concerned at the way Justin was cutting himself off from everyone. Their relationship wasn't progressing the way Brian had hoped because of the wall Justin was putting up around himself. Brian didn't know what to do, and he could only think of one person who might be able to help him reach out to Justin. He had helped once before, so it was worth a shot.  
  
"Brian Kinney, I must say I was rather surprised when you called me." said Dr. Alex.  
  
"Yeah, well I was kind of hoping I wouldn't need to."  
  
"I see. So, what can I do for you this time?"  
  
"It's Justin, again."  
  
"You'll have to be more specific. Did you have a fight? Does it have anything to do with the bashing?"  
  
"No and no. In a nutshell, Justin is dying and from the way he's acting he might as well be dead."  
  
"Explain what you mean."  
  
"He's stopped doing anything. He goes to work and he comes home. That's all."  
  
"Can you blame him? What would you do in his situation?"  
  
"Swallow a handful of pills and call it a life."  
  
"Maybe that's what Justin needs to do."  
  
"Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of solution is that?"  
  
"You said that's what you would do."  
  
"Yeah, but that's different."  
  
"How is it different?"  
  
"He's not. . . He's not me." Brian fumbled, trying to explain what he meant. "He's young, and sweet, and good, and he deserves a long life. Since he can't have that he should at least put the rest of his time to good use."  
  
"But he won't."  
  
"Thank you Dr. Obvious. Jesus Christ, you're being a pain in the ass. Are you going to help me or not?"  
  
"Listen to me Brian. Justin needs to find something worth living for, worth fighting for. If he finds that, he'll be fine. He trusts you more than anyone else, so it's up to you to help him find that thing." Alex stood up. "Think about it."  
  
Brian did think about it, and continued to think about it for the next few days. He had hoped that Alex would be a little bit more helpful, but at least he had a starting point. Finally, Brian came up with a plan. He knew that he was taking a huge risk. There were so many things that could go wrong, and if that happened Justin might not speak to him again. Still, he had to try. Brian found it easy to gather everything he would need. Then, he waited for the right moment.  
  
That moment came a few days later, when Jennifer dropped Justin off at the loft following a doctor's appointment. Brian met him at the door and they shared a quick kiss before Brian spoke.  
  
"Is there anything you want to do tonight?"  
  
"Not really. Just hang out I guess." replied Justin.  
  
"Actually, I have something I'd like to do."  
  
"Does it involve going out? Cause I'm really not in the mood."  
  
"I figured as much," Brian took Justin's hand and led him to the kitchen counter where there were a series of catalogues. "so I had a florist send over a brochure. What flowers would you like at your funeral?" Justin tried to pull away, but Brian caught him around the waist. "I was thinking that lilies might be nice, but maybe you would prefer something else. You're the artist. What do you think?"  
  
"Brian stop." Justin whispered, but Brian wasn't finished quite yet.  
  
"Did you know that they have catalogues for caskets? I think this one would be good for you except for the lining. It would make you look too washed out."  
  
"Is this some kind of sick joke?"  
  
"Well, considering that you're acting like you're already in the grave, I thought you might as well design your own funeral."  
  
"I don't want to talk about this."  
  
"Okay." said Brian, purposely being obtuse "We'' save the coffin decision for later. What should we look at now? Suits, or should we think about the music that will be played?"  
  
Stop it!" Justin cried. He wrenched himself free of Brian's grip, and made a beeline for the door, but Brian got there first. he grabbed Justin by the wrists, and held on as the teen struggled against him.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm leaving. Now let me go."  
  
"No. Listen to me."  
  
"What for? So you can make fun of me some more?"  
  
"Just listen to me."  
  
"Let me go. I know I'm dying. You don't have to rub it in my face."  
  
"But you're not dead yet Justin. You're not dead yet, so stop acting like you are."  
  
"Let me go. You'll probably be glad when I am. Then you won't have to deal with me anymore."  
  
"Don't you get it? I won't be glad. It will kill me too, because I love you!" Justin had continued to struggle against Brian, but at those words he went limp. Brian saw that his defenses were weakening, so he went on. "I love you, and I don't know how I'm going to survive when you're gone because you mean everything to me. It's killing me to think that pretty soon I won't be able to hold you and kiss you. I'm nothing without you, and if I could give up my own life to save you I would." Justin collapsed against Brian.  
  
"You. . . you said you love me." said Justin incredulously with tears streaking his face.  
  
"I did."  
  
"You didn't even hesitate."  
  
"That's right."  
  
"Did you mean it?"  
  
"Yeah, I did. I'm sorry that it took something like this to get me to admit it, but I had to tell you before it's too late."  
  
"I still don't get why you had to do it quite this way."  
  
"You're stubborn baby, almost as stubborn as me. I knew that the only way I could get through to you was to piss you off."  
  
"You're an asshole." Justin said, but the word had never been uttered more tenderly.  
  
"I know."  
  
"And I love you."  
  
"I love you too Justin. I want you to promise me something. Promise me that you won't give up on life."  
  
"Is there any sex involved in not giving up on life?" Brian was momentarily stunned by the question. He looked down at Justin, and saw a hint of the old Justin in the wicked gleam of the young man's eyes. Brian smiled at him.  
  
"I think it could include sex. That is if you're up to it."  
  
"Oh I'm up to it. Just be gentle."  
  
For once in his life, Brian was reluctant to carry things into the bedroom, but with Justin wrapped around him, kissing him everywhere he could, Brian managed to be persuaded into it. It tool a while to get there, however, as neither man wanted to stop kissing the other, but eventually they made it, leaving a trail of clothes behind them. And there, Justin was emphatically reminded that there are some things worth living for. 


	10. chapter 10

~Chapter 10~  
  
Justin kept his promise, and the weeks that followed were much better. Justin was still weak, and there were some bad days, but at least he was doing things again. Brian and Justin continued to spend every evening together, with occasional "sleep overs" at the loft. Those weeks, following Brian's declaration of love, served as a foundation for their relationship. They didn't go to the bars much, because the noise gave Justin a headache, so they found other activities to keep them occupied. Brian was forced to admit that he really didn't know that much about Justin despite all the time they had spent together, and he was eager to rectify that. In those weeks, they would go out to art galleries, or just walk and talk. They talked about everything from art to politics, and even the past, which Brian had been so careful to avoid before. In two weeks, Brian opened up more than he had in thirty years. It was surprisingly liberating. There were many evenings when Brian and Justin would pick up Gus and take him along for the evenings activities, but most of the time it was just the two of them, and they liked it that way.  
  
Brian and Justin only one person the real cause of Justin's turn around in attitude, and that was Debbie. She responded by smacking Brian in the head, but later that evening she thanked him for bringing back her Sunshine. Emmett and Ted found Brian's new-found amiability wildly amusing at first. They spent a great deal of time making comments about the situation, which Brian ignored. That took the fun out of it, and so thy stopped. To be sure, Brian wasn't completely tamed. He still had his moods, but no one would have believed it if he had become too likeable. It was clear that Brian had won himself some supporters when, one evening, Melanie suggested that they invite him over for dinner (though she later denied it, saying it was all Lindsay's idea).  
  
There was only one person who remained impervious to Brian's considerable charm, and that was Jennifer, but even she was about to crack. It all happened one afternoon when Brian went to pick up Justin from Debbie's. Instead of his lover, Brian found the mothers talking at the kitchen table.  
  
"Oh hey." Brian said, feeling uncomfortable.  
  
"Come have a seat Bri." Debbie replied "Justin should be back in about half an hour."  
  
"Where did he go?" Brian came into the kitchen and leaned against one of the counters.  
  
"He and Daphne went out to do something. Oh shit, I forgot some things in the washer. I'll be up in a few minutes." Debbie left the room, leaving Brian and Jennifer alone together. Brian suddenly developed an interest in examining the magnets on the refrigerator.  
  
"You can sit down if you like." Jennifer said at last. "I don't bite," a pause "most of the time."  
  
"Well my shots are up to date anyway." reluctantly Brian took a seat.  
  
"How is work?"  
  
"Fine." Brian couldn't believe he was having such a banal conversation with this woman.  
  
"You like what you do?"  
  
"I'm good at it."  
  
"That wasn't the question."  
  
"Yeah, I like it."  
  
"Can I ask you something Brian?"  
  
"Do you really care if I say yes or no Mrs. Taylor?"  
  
"Not really, and please, call me Jennifer."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Why Justin?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I've heard a lot about you, and all the men you've been with, but with them it was only once. Why did you choose some kid to be the one that meant something more? Why Justin?"  
  
"I didn't choose him, everything just sort of happened. If anything, he chose me. And as to why Justin, that's because he was different."  
  
"What do you mean, different?"  
  
"I don't remember most of the tricks I've been with, but I couldn't forget Justin. I would close my eyes and see his face. And he was everything I never was. He was innocent, and trusting, and sweet, and good. That's why, out of all the men, Justin was the one I kept coming back to."  
  
"When Justin started seeing you, Debbie told me that you'd break his heart. She said you don't believe in love, but Justin says you love him. As a mother, I need to know if it's the truth."  
  
"I love him."  
  
"Then take him."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"I mean it, take him. That is if you still want to."  
  
"I do, but let me get this straight. You want Justin to move back in with me?"  
  
"You have my blessing."  
  
"What are you on?"  
  
"Thank you for that vote of confidence. I'm serious."  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Because Justin loves you. Because you love him. He'll be happier if he can be with you, and I want him to be happy. Besides, you're not as bad as you like to appear."  
  
"Promise not to tell anyone?"  
  
"Your secret is safe with me." They smiled at each other.  
  
"So, does this make you Mom?"  
  
"I don't think I'm quite ready for that."  
  
"I promise I'll take good care of him."  
  
"I know you will, because if you don't Debbie and I will kick your ass."  
  
"That's right!" Debbie called from the steps leading down to the basement. She came back into the kitchen. "Should we start packing up his stuff?"  
  
"Deb, how long have you been listening in?" asked Brian.  
  
"Long enough."  
  
"That means the whole time. I thought you had laundry to do."  
  
"I lied. Now, if you get that gorgeous ass of yours out of the chair, we can have it done by the time Sunshine gets home."  
  
The three of them worked together, and so by the time Justin got back to Debbie's house they were almost done. When Justin walked in the door he found a stack of boxes sitting there, and Brian was coming down the stairs carrying another one. Justin and Daphne exchanged confused looks.  
  
"Um, what are you doing with my stuff?"  
  
"Taking it to the jeep." Justin waited for a further explanation, but Brian volunteered nothing.  
  
"Do I really have to ask the next question, or is it obvious?"  
  
"You're moving in with me."  
  
"Right."  
  
"It was your mom's idea."  
  
"Okay, what the hell is going on here, and what have you done to my real mother?"  
  
"Don't question it. Just go with it Justin." suggested Daphne.  
  
"Wait a minute." Justin said "No one asked me about this. Am I supposed to just do things when you tell me to?"  
  
"Okay fine, we'll do it your way. Justin, would you move in with me?" Brian waited for an answer, but Justin didn't respond. "You're not going to say no, are you?" There was a hint of nervousness in his voice.  
  
"Of course not. I just didn't want to make it too easy on you."  
  
"Brat." Brian pulled Justin into his arms and gave him a quick kiss.  
  
"Maybe, but I'm your brat."  
  
"Then I guess I'm stuck with you. Let's get this done so we can go home and," Brian glanced at Jennifer "I don't know, donate money to charity, read the bible."  
  
"Yeah right. I'm not stupid you know." Jennifer said as she laughed.  
  
"I was just trying to think of some mother-approved activities."  
  
"Go! Hurry up before I change my mind."  
  
With a little bit of help from Justin, Brian managed to fit everything into the jeep. They were just about to leave when Justin ran back into the house for a moment.  
  
"Thanks Mom." he said kissing her on the cheek. 


	11. chapter 11

~Chapter 11~  
  
Later on, Ted would say that the weeks following the afternoon Justin moved back into the loft were the best of times and the worst of times. He kept saying that until Brian told him to fuck the cliched literary quotes, but in his own way, Ted was right. It was certainly one of the happiest times for the lovers. They were almost inseparable, and were becoming even closer than anyone had thought possible. However, it was the worst of times because it was fairly clear that time was running short. Justin had long since given up his shifts at the diner, and their evening excursions were becoming infrequent, because Justin just didn't have the energy. By mid- July, Justin's health had deteriorated to the point where there were some mornings that he was almost too weak to get out of bed. When that started, Brian made arrangements at work where he could work at home, only going into the office once or twice a week for meetings. On those days someone, usually Jennifer, would stay with Justin, but most of the time it was just the two of them with occasional trips outside the loft.  
  
The two men lived in a sort of dream world. They both knew what was coming, but neither man was ready to admit it entirely. Justin was beginning to come to terms with everything, but it was harder for Brian to take at times because he couldn't reconcile himself to the idea that Justin wouldn't be with him much longer. He was trying to delude himself into believing that one day he would wake up and everything would be right again. Justin's decline was slowly killing Brian as well, although he did his best to hide it. Since she was like a mother to him, Debbie could sense what was going on, but there was never a good time to talk to him because Justin was always nearby. However, she had her chance one evening, and what she heard nearly broke her heart.  
  
Since Brian's cooking skills were famously lacking, and since Justin didn't have the strength to cook anymore, the boys usually had dinner at Debbie's or Jennifer's once a week. That particular day, Jennifer had taken Justin to his doctors appointment, because Brian had needed to go into the office for a few hours.  
  
"Oh hi Brian. You're early." Debbie said as he come in the door.  
  
"I didn't want to stay at the office any longer than I had to."  
  
"What time was Justin's appointment?"  
  
"Four, I think. He and Jen will be here when their done."  
  
"Come have a seat and keep me company while I finish dinner." Brian sat down. "I've been meaning to talk to you for a while. How are you doing hon?"  
  
"Inhaling and exhaling."  
  
"That's not the kind of answer I was looking for."  
  
"What do you want me to say Deb?"  
  
"Let me know what you're going through. You look exhausted."  
  
"I am. I barely sleep anymore."  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Before Justin moved back in with me," Brian began "I couldn't sleep at night because I was afraid that something would happen to him. Something would happen to him, and I wouldn't be there. I thought that by having him with me I could relax, thought that I would be able to sleep again."  
  
"But you can't."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I can't take my eyes off of him. He looks so beautiful and so peaceful when he's asleep. I try to commit every little detail to memory." Brian's voice trailed off as he stared out into space, lost in thought.  
  
"What are you afraid of Brian?" Debbie asked, bringing him back to reality.  
  
"Nothing. I'm not into fear."  
  
"You are so full of shit kid."  
  
"I'm really not in the mood for a lecture right now."  
  
"Well that's too bad, cause you're going to listen to every damn word I have to say. Don't tell me you're not afraid, because you are. You're fucking terrified. I can see it in your eyes." Brian stood up and started pacing the kitchen. "The only question is, what's scaring you? Are you afraid that you won't be able to forget?"  
  
"No! Just the opposite. I'm afraid that I will."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I'm afraid that little by little I'll start to forget. First I won't remember the sound of his voice. The I won't remember his smile, and before you know it, I won't have any part of him left."  
  
"You know that's not true, don't you?" Brian didn't answer. "He'll always be a part of you. I meant that eventually you'll have to let go and move on."  
  
"But I don't want to let go!" Brian exploded. "Jesus Christ! Half the time I pretend like this isn't happening, or I tell myself that tomorrow the doctors are going to discover some miracle cure."  
  
"You know that's not very likely."  
  
"I'm aware. Fuck! I spent most of my life telling myself that I didn't need anyone only to discover that the one person I need most is being taken away from me. Pretty fucking pathetic, isn't it?"  
  
"Brian, after Justin is gone, you're not going to. . ." Debbie hesitated, searching for the right words. "You're not going to do something drastic?"  
  
"Like kill myself?" Brian got straight to the point.  
  
"Well, yes, but I wish you wouldn't be so blunt about it."  
  
"Don't worry about me. I'll survive, for Gus' sake. I want him to grow up to be just like Justin. But after everything is over, I think that I'll need to get away for a while."  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea? All your friends will be here for you."  
  
"I'll have to get away from this damn place and it's memories."  
  
They couldn't carry the conversation any further, because at that moment, Justin and Jennifer walked in the door. Debbie immediately put on a cheerful expression as she went to greet them. Brian was glad that his back was to the door, because it gave him a chance to hide the depression that was clearly written upon his face before he turned towards them. He was determined not to give Justin anything more to worry about. When he felt sure that his true emotions would not be betrayed, be turned around and went to give Justin a welcome embrace. They shared an all too brief kiss.  
  
"What's the matter?" Justin whispered into Brian's ear. Brian just shook his head. Justin knew that Brian was avoiding an answer, he hadn't been at all fooled, but he let it slide. Brian would tell him when he was ready. Instead, he planted a kiss on Brian's ear. "I love you."  
  
"Love you too."  
  
"How are you feeling today Sunshine?" Debbie asked from the kitchen. Brian and Justin walked into the room hand in hand. Brian sat back down in the chair he had been occupying, and Justin perched on his lap.  
  
"Not too bad." Justin replied. Brian could feel him shivering slightly, and Justin leaned in towards the warmth of Brian's body.  
  
"You're the only person who could be cold at the end of July during one of the hottest summers Pittsburgh has ever seen." Brian teased.  
  
"Hey, it's not my fault." protested Justin. Then in a whispered voice he said "I guess you'll just have to warm me up later on."  
  
"I think not baby."  
  
"Brian Kinney saying no to sex? Maybe you're the one who is sick." Justin lifted his hand to feel Brian's forehead. Brian caught his hand and laced their fingers together.  
  
"I'd be afraid that you'd break." Brian said between kisses.  
  
"You won't know if you don't try."  
  
"That's not a risk I'm willing to take."  
  
"You're just doing this to be mean." Justin said with a little laugh.  
  
"Would the two of you stop giggling like a pair of school girls." interrupted Debbie. "Dinner is ready. And Justin, we're not exactly having a chair shortage." she added when the teen showed no inclination to move from his favorite seat.  
  
"How was your doctors appointment?" Brian asked as Debbie began to serve.  
  
"It was okay, but can we talk about it later?"  
  
Brian assented. He had a brief moment where he felt like something was up, but the feeling faded. Justin was in a particularly good mood all evening, and any apprehensions Brian had were swept away by the sight of Justin's smile and by his infectious laugh. When he thought about it later, he realized that Justin had been purposely avoiding anything that would relate to his visit with the doctor. But for a while, Brian completely forgot about it. 


	12. chapter 12

~Chapter 12~  
  
Justin was strangely quiet the whole way back to the loft that night. Usually, Brian didn't mind silences between them, but this silence seemed almost sinister. To cover his nervousness, Brian talked the entire time, telling Justin about what was going on in the office and enumerating the many screw ups of the moron twins. Justin would make a comment once in a while, and he would laugh at the appropriate moments, but Brian could tell that he was only half-listening. He waited until they were back at the loft before he questioned Justin on what had caused such a shift in his mood.  
  
"Hey baby, what's up?" he asked. Justin was looking for a bottle of water in the refrigerator and pretended not to hear the question.  
  
"We need to go to the grocery store tomorrow." Justin said stalling for time. Brian walked over and shut the fridge door.  
  
"Don't change the subject."  
  
"What are you talking about Brian?" Justin tried to look innocent and failed.  
  
"I'm serious. What's going on? Did the doctor have something new to say today." It was then that Brian realized that Justin had avoided the subject of his appointment all night.  
  
"Yeah, he did." Justin looked down at his feet as he spoke. "Dr. Graham said the medication has been working. The tumor has shrunk and they can operate."  
  
"That's wonderful." Brian said, and he pulled Justin into his arms.  
  
"No it's not." replied Justin, removing himself from the embrace.  
  
"What do you mean? It's what we've been hoping for all along."  
  
"I'm not finished yet, so please don't interrupt. Just let me say it all or I won't be able to." Justin took a deep breath before he continued. "The medication has reduced the tumor to a size where they can operate, but that doesn't change the placement of it. If I have the surgery, there's a sixty percent chance that I won't live through it. Usually, they wouldn't do it with those odds, but since I'm a pretty hopeless case anyway, they're willing to try it. Basically I'm going to die either way. It's only a matter of whether I die in a few weeks from now, or in a few months." Justin stopped abruptly.  
  
"So what happens now?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Brian couldn't respond because he didn't know what to say. What could he say? He felt like he should have all the answers, felt like he should know how to counsel Justin, or at least know how to comfort him, but Brian felt lost. He felt helpless. Brian wasn't sure if he lead Justin to the sofa, or Justin lead him, but either way, they ended up there, wrapped up in each other, holding on for dear life. Brian felt tears wet his cheeks. He thought that they belonged to Justin, but when Justin wiped them away he realized they were his own. Justin was surprisingly calm. He hadn't shed a single tear, but Brian could see the fear and confusion in his lover's eyes. They sat there for what felt like hours but could have been only minutes. Finally, Justin spoke.  
  
"What should I do Brian?"  
  
"I have no idea. I wish I could tell you something helpful. I wish I could, but I can't."  
  
"The whole way over to Debbie's I thought about it, but I couldn't decide what to do."  
  
"It feels like either way we lose."  
  
"Exactly. I mean if I don't do it, I'll be able to live a little bit longer, but in the end I'll die. If I have the surgery, then there's the slight chance that it will work, but most likely it won't and I won't have those extra weeks I could have if I don't have the surgery. Is this making any sense?"  
  
"It's a catch-22."  
  
"Right. So which option would you prefer?"  
  
"I don't know baby. This is something you have to decide for yourself. I can't do it for you."  
  
"But I don't want to hurt you. I want to take whichever option will keep me from hurting you."  
  
"Don't think about me. I mean it. Just think about yourself and what you need to do."  
  
"I don't want to leave you." said Justin softly, resting his head on Brian's shoulder.  
  
"I know. I don't want you to go either." Brian kissed the top of Justin's head. "And you couldn't hurt me, because you make me happier that anyone else."  
  
"I'm so confused. Dr. Graham says I have to decide soon or surgery won't be an option."  
  
"Justin." Brian said seriously "I want you to know that no matter what you do, I'll support you."  
  
"I know, and thank you. Can we go to bed now?" Justin asked. "I'm felling a little dizzy."  
  
"Anything you want baby."  
  
They moved into the bedroom and slipped off their clothes. Justin slid between the sheets, ans Brian followed him. They molded their bodies together so that it was difficult to tell where one man left off and the other began. Justin let out a little sigh. Here was the one place where he felt completely safe. Here was the one place where he could forget everything that was happening to him. Justin decided that it heaven wasn't like this, then he wasn't interested in going. Justin's mind kept playing the scenarios over and over again as he tried to piece together what he should do next. It was like trying to build a house out of playing cards. Every time he was almost finished, something came along and knocked it over. With everything whirling through his head, Justin didn't think that he would be able to sleep at all. But with Brian rubbing slow, gentle circles on his back, his eyes began to shut, and eventually the darkness moved in.  
  
It was light out when Justin woke next. Brian's side of the bed was empty, but it was still slightly warm, so he couldn't have gotten up much earlier. He could never sleep very long without Brian beside him. Justin stretched. He could hear muffled sounds coming from the kitchen, and he knew that Brian was trying to keep from waking him up. He smiled to himself, feeling extremely lucky to have such a considerate lover. He lay in bed quietly for a few minutes, not quite ready to get up yet. His thoughts had stopped spinning, and were lined up neatly now. Justin came to a decision. He got up and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt before leaving the bedroom. Brian was standing up at the counter, drinking his coffee and reading the paper. Justin came up behind Brian and hugged him around the waist. He place a kiss of his shoulder, then rested his cheek on Brian's back. He stood there for a moment, savoring the feel of the black silk against his skin and the warmth that emanated from behind it.  
  
"I'll do it." he said at last. 


	13. chapter 13

~Chapter 13~  
  
That very day, Justin called Dr. Graham with his decision. The doctor said that they had to move quickly before Justin became to weak, and so the operation was set for the ninth of August. Justin's friends and family were split on their opinion of Justin's decision. Emmett, Melanie, and Jennifer thought that he had made the right choice. Debbie, Michael, and Ted thought that the risks involved were too great. Lindsay wisely remained neutral on the issue. Brian made it perfectly clear that if anyone gave Justin shit about it, he would personally kick their ass. They kept their opinions to themselves. It didn't really matter anyway. Justin had made up his mind, and Brian knew from previous experience that once Justin made up his mind about something, there was no stopping him until he got what he wanted. Brian was living proof of that.  
  
Justin had to go into the hospital a few days before the operation for a barrage of tests. Luckily, he didn't have to be constantly hooked up to a series of machines. Brian didn't know if he could stand to see his baby like that, and so he felt grateful. Every night that Justin was in the hospital, Brian stayed at his side. He calmly told anyone who tried to tell him that visiting hours were over to fuck off. He wasn't leaving. They were sitting alone late one night when a nurse came in to take Brian's temperature. Brian was startled when she addressed him personally.  
  
"Well Brian, have you taken to haunting hospitals again?" It was nurse Lorraine.  
  
"Something like that." Brian said with a little smirk.  
  
"Hello Justin. I think you're a nice kid, but I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't see you again."  
  
"Um, I was hoping that I wouldn't be back." Justin looked confused. "You know Brian?"  
  
"Sure I do." she replied.  
  
"But how?"  
  
"He was here every night for six weeks from May to June last year."  
  
"What were you doing. . ." It was suddenly obvious. "Oh." Brian squirmed in his seat.  
  
"You mean he never told you?"  
  
"No, never."  
  
"Ha! He would stand at the window and look in every night. Stood there for hours."  
  
"Why didn't you come in?" Justin asked.  
  
"I couldn't."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me."  
  
"Are you mad at me?"  
  
"Well, you're here now, so that's all that matters."  
  
"I love you so much." said Brian as he leaned in to give Justin a kiss.  
  
"I know. And I love you too."  
  
"Okay lovebirds." Lorraine said. "I've got to run and finish my rounds now. You two take care, and good luck."  
  
It was decided that the night before the operation, everyone should spend the evening at the hospital with Justin. They wanted to have one last night with him, and hoped that their presence would keep Justin distracted from what was going to happen in the morning. The room could barely hold everyone. Brian sat next to Justin on the hospital bed as Bus played in Justin's lap. Gus had missed his favorite grown-up playmate, and was joyously calling out Justin's name in his sing-song voice. Everyone knew that Justin hadn't completely given up hope because he had complained bitterly about the food ever since he had been admitted to the hospital. Debbie had talked to the nurses and had received permission to bring in a big home cooked dinner of Justin's favorite, chicken parmiggan. Justin had made a joke about it being his last meal, and Emmett had tried to laugh, but started to cry instead. But besides that, the mood for the evening was determinedly cheerful. The room was just too crowded for that as well, so the nurses let Debbie set up dinner in the lounge for that floor, but it was early, so they hadn't gotten around to eating yet. They were all talking to each other when there was a knock on the open door. Everyone looked up.  
  
"Reverend Tom, to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?" Brian asked sarcastically.  
  
"Hello Brian." said the priest, ignoring the taunt in Brian's voice.  
  
"Everyone, this is Reverend Tom, my mother's minister." Brian said. There was the sound of a knowing little "oh" that rippled through the boys. Reverend Tom blushed slightly, but he recovered nicely.  
  
"It's nice to meet you Father." Debbie said.  
  
"Nice to meet you to Mrs. . ."  
  
"Novotny, but please, call me Debbie."  
  
"All right Debbie."  
  
"And this is Justin's mother, Jennifer."  
  
"Nice to meet you Jennifer. I want you to know that my prayers are with you and your family." he said kindly as he shook her hand.  
  
"Thank you Reverend."  
  
"How are you feeling tonight Justin?" Tom asked.  
  
"Okay I guess, all things considered." Justin hoped that no one would mention the bathhouse incident with his mother there.  
  
"So what are you doing here Rev?" Brian sounded bored of all the pleasant greeting bullshit.  
  
"I was speaking to your mother the other day and. . ."  
  
"What did the old bitch have to say?" Brian interrupted.  
  
"Brian, don't speak to Reverend Tom that way." Debbie chastised. She had a great respect for all members of the clergy.  
  
"It's all right Debbie." Tom assured her "I'm aware of the strained relationship that Brian and Joan share."  
  
"Strained? That's putting it mildly." Brian laughed.  
  
"Anyway, I was speaking with Joan the other day, and she mentioned Justin's condition."  
  
"I can't believe you told her." said Michael "I thought you haven't spoken to her in months."  
  
"She called me last week. I can't remember what she was whining about, cause I wasn't really listening. I told her then."  
  
"When I heard, I decided to come over and see you myself. I thought that maybe I could lead everyone in a few prayers if you'd like." Tom said to Justin.  
  
"That's a lovely idea Father." said Jennifer.  
  
"Okay, whatever." Justin replied.  
  
"Should we do it right here?" asked Debbie.  
  
"Actually, this hospital has a lovely little chapel upstairs. Perhaps we could move over there so that we could have some more room." Everyone seemed to approve of the suggestion. "All right, I'll lead you all upstairs to the chapel. And Brian, I'll have a nurse bring in a wheelchair for Justin and you can meet us there in a few minutes."  
  
They expected Brian to reject the whole thing, or at least make some sort of negative comment, but he just shrugged his shoulders. Everyone trooped out after the reverend, leaving Brian and Justin alone in the room. A few seconds later, a nurse entered, but instead of a wheelchair, she carried a black bag, which she set at the foot of the bed before leaving again. Justin looked at the bag quizzically. He sat up all the way, but before he could get out of bed, Brian was standing before him. He laced their fingers together and gave Justin a long kiss.  
  
"That's nice, but come on. Everyone is waiting."  
  
"Hold on a sec. Before we go, I have a confession to make." said Brian.  
  
"A confession?"  
  
"Having Reverend Tom come tonight wasn't exactly a surprise."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"I knew he was coming. In fact, I was the one who asked him to."  
  
"Since when did you develop an interest in praying?"  
  
"Since never, but that's not why he's really here. I asked him to officiate a wedding." Brian got down on one knee. "Justin Taylor, will you marry me?"  
  
"Brian pulled a small velvet box from his pocket. He opened it to show Justin the matching gold rings inside. Justin could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, and he couldn't stop smiling. There was a lump in his throat that prevented him from answering at first, but Brian could see the answer clearly written on his lover's face. Justin through his arms around Brian's neck.  
  
"Yes!" he whispered breathlessly. Brian picked him up and spun him around once before he set Justin back down.  
  
"Hurry up and put this on." Brian said all of a sudden, opening the bag and puling out clothes which he tossed to Justin.  
  
"What's all this?"  
  
"Do you really want to get married in a hospital gown?"  
  
"Not particularly."  
  
"I didn't think so. I brought you something else to wear."  
  
"What made you decide to do all this now?" Justin asked as he stepped into a pair of grey trousers.  
  
"I decided that, if only for one night, I wanted to know that you were truly mine." They shared a private smile.  
  
As Justin was slipping on a blue cashmere sweater that matched his eyes, the nurse returned with the wheelchair. Justin sat in it, though he did grumble about the stupidity of the hospital policy, saying that he could walk just fine on his own. The nurse pushed him to the elevator, and up they went to meet the others.  
  
"I can't wait to see their faces when they realize what's going on." said Brian.  
  
"You mean they don't know?"  
  
"Besides us, the only people who know are Reverend Tom and Eva." he indicated the nurse. "I flirted with her a little and she agreed to help me. By the way Eva, have you got the camera?"  
  
"Everything is set up just the way you wanted Brian. Don't worry." They reached the doors of the chapel.  
  
"Wait." said Justin "I don't want to be pushed down the isle."  
  
He reached to Brian for support, and together they entered the room, arm in arm. Justin could tell right away that Brian had gone to great lengths to have the little chapel decorated just right. Instead of the glaring fluorescent lights, the room was illuminated by strings of little white lights that adorned the walls, and candles flickered upon the alter behind where Reverend Tom stood. His friends sat in the narrow rows of pews, and Justin could hear them whispering to each other, and could see the confusion on their faces. Daphne was mouthing something to him, but Justin couldn't figure out what she was trying to say. It didn't matter. They would all know soon enough. At the alter, they stopped and faced each other. Tom took a step forward.  
  
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney be joined in holy matrimony." There was a collective gasp. Tom waited for it to subside before he continued. "Many people have discussed what constitutes marriage, and I believe, as I'm sure you will all agree, that marriage is any union between two people who truly love each other. I think that it would be difficult to find any couple more in love than the men you see standing here before you. It is their wish that you, the people who mean the most to them, be the only witnesses of this blessed occasion of love, devotion, and commitment. I fear that anything I might say could not capture the depth of their feelings for each other, and so I will step aside so that they can speak. Justin, would you like to begin?"  
  
"When we first met, everyone told me not to waste my time. They said that Brian Kinney didn't do relationships, but I knew better. From the moment I saw you hold your son in your arms, I knew that you were the only man I could ever love. Our relationship went in directions I never imagined, and it wasn't always easy, but it was worth it. I wouldn't trade in one moment. I couldn't ask for any greater happiness than the way I feel when I'm with you, and no matter what happens, I always am and always will be yours." Justin finished and then it was Brian's turn.  
  
"Not many people are fortunate enough to remember the day they were born. Most people think I was born in May, but really I was born one September evening when I stepped out of a club, and the world changed. Standing under a street light was an angel, sent to teach me how to love, sent to show me how to truly live. I tried to fight it, but really I knew all along that it was destiny, that this was supposed to happen. I don't deserve to be so happy. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you, but each day that we are together, I am so incredibly thankful that you are there. Justin, my love, you are my heart, you are my soul, you are my reason for living. Without you I'm. . . I'm nothing." Brian couldn't go on any further. Brian felt his lover rush away a tear that had fallen onto his cheek. For once Brian didn't try to hide it because everyone else was crying as well.  
  
"May I have the rings please." said Reverend Tom. Brian handed him the velvet box. Justin removed one of the rings and slipped it on Brian's finger.  
  
"With this ring, I thee wed." Justin said, his voice barely a whisper. Brian removed the other ring and repeated the process.  
  
"With this ring, I thee wed." They gazed into each others eyes, full of love, and for a moment, no one else on earth existed.  
  
"Now, in the eyes of God, your friends, and your family, I pronounce you joined together forever." Brian and Justin waited "By all means, kiss."  
  
And that's just what they did. 


	14. chapter 14

~Chapter 14~  
  
Brian and Justin would probably have been content to remain locked in that embrace for the rest of their lives, but that wasn't possible, because all of their friends were gathering around them, calling out various admonishments and congratulations.  
  
"You little shmuck." Said Melanie "You probably think you're pretty clever, don't you?"  
  
"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Said Emmett choking up.  
  
"Why didn't you tell us?" That was Michael.  
  
"Let's see the rings." The commotion continued until Debbie called for order.  
  
"Let's go back downstairs and have dinner. It can be an impromptu reception."  
  
They all went back downstairs for what was their first successful party ever. It was amazing what a wedding could do to people. For a few hours, all thoughts of the morning were pushed aside as total focus was given to the happy couple. The whole affair had a somewhat dream-like quality because it was hard to adjust to the idea of Brian in a committed relationship. But one look at the lovers, holding hands, smiling at each other from across the room, sharing a tender kiss, left no doubt in anyone's mind about the sincerity of their union.  
  
Eventually, a nurse came in to tell them all that visiting hours were over, so they began to pack up. This was not the time for tearful goodbyes, especially not so soon after the wedding, so it was agreed that everyone wold come back early in the morning before the surgery. They all planned to be there anyway, but this gave them a chance to say goodbye. Brian was the only one left, and he escorted Justin back to his room and into bed. Brian could see that Justin was very tired, but the young wan as making an effort to stay awake.  
  
"Happy?" Brian asked. He pulled one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs to the side of the bed and reached out for Justin's hand.  
  
"Very." Justin smiled back at him.  
  
"What are you thinking about right now?"  
  
"Did you see their faces?" Justin asked with a dreamy expression.  
  
"Yeah. We gave them a night they'll never forget." Brian mimicked a conversation from a long time ago.  
  
"I think that this has become the best night of my life."  
  
"And it was most definitely ridiculously romantic."  
  
"I feel like I should be watching out for Chris Hobbs at this point." Justin joked.  
  
"That's not funny."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You should go to sleep."  
  
"I don't want to sleep. There will be plenty of time for that when I'm dead."  
  
"Don't say that baby."  
  
"It's true." Justin said. Brian turned away. "Brian, I want you to promise me something."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Promise me that after I'm gone you'll find someone else."  
  
"Anything but that."  
  
"Please Brian, promise me."  
  
"I can't make that promise."  
  
"Then I guess I just can't leave you."  
  
"Sounds like a good plan to me."  
  
"But I'm serious about what I said."  
  
"And so am I. That's hard to promise Justin. It was difficult enough falling in love the first time. I don't know if I can go through it again. And I don't know if I would even want to. You're not exactly replaceable."  
  
"I don't want you to cut yourself off from everyone. I don't want you to be alone."  
  
"That's different from finding someone new."  
  
"Okay, okay, fine. Just promise me that you'll let your friends be there for you."  
  
"That I will promise."  
  
"And promise me that you will be happy." Brian hesitated at this. "Brian, please."  
  
"It won't be easy, especially at first, but I promise that I'll try."  
  
"Good. I don't want you to become a total shit again."  
  
"Is that any way to talk to your dearest love on your wedding night?"  
  
"It is if it's true."  
  
"Have I told you lately that I love you little brat?"  
  
"I think it's been practically minutes."  
  
"Go to sleep now."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Justin tried to stay awake, but in just minutes his eyes were fluttering shut. Brian knew that he was asleep when the hand he was holding went limp. He didn't let go, but remained there and kept watch over his sleepy lover. When he was sure that Justin was fully asleep, Brian leaned forward, bowed his head, and did something that he hadn't done in years.  
  
"Hello God. It's me Brian. Brian Kinney. I'm not sure if you remember me considering the last time I tried to talk to you polyester pants were still considered acceptable. Or maybe you're a little too familiar with me. I can just picture a giant dart board with my picture on it, but none of that matters right now. The only think that matters is this kid that's lying here. No, he's not a kid anymore. He grew up a long time ago. I love Justin, I truly do, even though I didn't think that I could love anyone. And now, just when I'm finally figuring everything out, I risk losing him forever, and that scares me more than anything else. If it was my fault I could deal with it, but for once it's not, so I just can't cope. I know at this point I should beg you to save him because he's so young and deserves to see so much more of life. Save him because there's so much left for him to do, and all of that is true, but that's not why I want you to save him. I want you to do it for me. Selfish to the end, I know, but at least I'm being honest. I want you to save him because I don't think that I can make it without him. I don't think that I can go on day after day knowing that he's not here. I want you to save him because life my life is pointless and worthless without him. I love him so much that it hurt sometimes. I'd do anything for Justin, and if I could protect him now I would, but I can't. You're the only one who can. So save him, for me. You can take my life if you want, it's not worth much anyway, just save him. Please."  
  
With that, Brian was quiet. He had a vague fear that he would be struck by lightning, the wrath of God, or something like that, but everything remained still. The only noise was the faint sound of Justin's rhythmic breathing. Brian ran his fingers through Justin's hair, pushing away a few stray strands that had fallen onto the teen's forehead. He gently kissed Justin on the lips, then sat back in the uncomfortable plastic chair as he waited for the morning to come. 


	15. chapter 15

~Chapter 15~  
  
Brian woke up the next morning when the room was invaded by a series of nurses. For a moment, Brian couldn't remember where he was, but then it all came crashing back to him. The morning he had been dreading was finally here. Justin was already awake and was looking remarkably calm and peaceful. Brian imagined that he looked like a nervous wreck, and that was confirmed when Justin spoke to him.  
  
"Take a deep breath and relax. Everything is going to be all right."  
  
"Shouldn't I be the one saying that to you?"  
  
"Maybe, but we don't do anything the normal way, so we don't need to start now."  
  
"Do you want me to get you anything?"  
  
"No, I'm okay. Just see who's here, and I can say goodbye." Brian turned and started to leave. "Tell them no tears."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tell them they're no allowed to cry, because if they do I won't be able to stand it."  
  
"I'll tell them."  
  
Everyone was already waiting for the word that they could go in. Brian told them about Justin's request and they all agreed to follow it. Vic and Debbie went in first, followed by Jennifer, then Daphne. Next Melanie and Lindsay went in with Gus, and then Michael, Ted, and Emmett went in together. Brian had assumed that Emmett would be the one to take it the hardest of the three, but instead it was Michael.  
  
"What did he say to you?" Brian asked his best friend, noticing how close he was to losing control.  
  
"He told me. . . He told me to take care of you." replied Michael.  
  
And then it was time for Brian to go in. He didn't know how he was going to get through it, but Brian was determined not to mess things up for once. He carefully pushed everything to the back of his mind before stepping into the room. It was even harder then he thought. Justin looked so young and pale, and just a little bit frightened against the white sheets. Brian stood frozen at the door for a moment as he waited for the lump that was rising in his throat to subside. Justin smiled softly at him, temporarily numbing the pain.  
  
"I guess this is it."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." Brian replied.  
  
"Do you think there's a chance that everything might come out all right?"  
  
"Of course I do."  
  
There was so much to say, but neither man had the right words to say it. Instead, Brian walked over to the bed for one last kiss. It was hard to tear himself away, but eventually he had to. Justin clasped onto his hand. Now was not the time to say goodbye, because neither Brian nor Justin was willing to admit that it could be goodbye forever.  
  
"Later." whispered Brian.  
  
"Later." Justin replied. his eyes closed.  
  
"We had him take a sedative to keep him relaxed while we perform the final tests." a nurse explained, seeing the confusion on Brian's face.  
  
"He's really sensitive to drugs. That won't relax him, it will put him out for hours."  
  
"It's probably better that way. The waiting is the worst part. Do you want to hold onto his ring?"  
  
"Can't he keep it on?"  
  
"No. You can't wear any metal during an MRI, and it's probably a good idea if someone holds onto it to keep it safe."  
  
"Okay, I'll take it." Brian removed the ring from Justin's finger and clenched it in his fist.  
  
"Take good care of him." Brian told the nurse.  
  
"We will, and hopefully you'll have him back before you know it." Brian only hoped that it was a promise.  
  
The nurse smiled kindly at Brian as she moved the sleeping Justin out of the room. Brian stayed where he was. He knew that he was on the verge of collapse, and didn't want to do so in front of his friends. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Brian opened his fist and examined the ring resting in his palm. He remembered clearly the excitement of picking it out, and the look on Justin's face when he had shown him the rings. Brian tightened his fingers around it once more, then went to join his friends to begin the wait.  
  
That morning and afternoon felt like the longest day of Brian's life. He would glance at the clock every few seconds, as if to convince himself that time was really moving. At the very least, it felt like things were happening at a snails pace. The second hand on Ted's watch was extremely loud, or at least it seemed to be, and Brian found the noise maddeningly irritating. Pretty much everything was capable of annoying Brian right then. He tried to keep himself calm by holding Gus, but that didn't work, so Brian deposited Gus to his mommies and began pacing the room. The tension continued to mount in the little room, and Debbie was the first one to snap.  
  
"Jesus Christ Brian! Would you stop that?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'm getting nervous just watching you."  
  
"I don't fucking care."  
  
"How is that going to help anything?" asked Debbie.  
  
"How is it going to hurt anything?" Brian shot back.  
  
After that, conversation was kept at a minimum, and only occurred when absolutely necessary. Brian tried to sit down and stay still, but every few minutes he would pop back up and continue circling the room. In a mostly futile attempt to keep from going crazy, Brian tried to think about something else. He started thinking about all the things that he and Justin could do if the surgery was a success. Brian had visions of a house for the two of them. The idea was both thrilling and frightening. He could picture it already, complete with a studio for Justin. Brian imagined the vacations they could take, and all the different places where they could make love. Brian even had a brief moment where he thought of them raising a child together, but that was pushing it a little too far for right away, so he set that particular thought aside.  
  
After a while, Brian had to stop because it was getting depressing. What if Justin didn't make it and he was left with these crazed, half-formed ideas that would haunt him for the rest of his life? Instead, Brian started to think about all of the things that bothered him. That was a topic guaranteed to keep him busy for hours. Brian decided that if he put his mind to it, he could hate just about anything.  
  
Brian was annoyed by Ted's watch and the way Daphne kept sniffling. Never before had Emmett and Debbie's clothing seemed so offensive. Brian decided that Lindsay was, all together, too calm, and he sincerely considered asking her what sedative she was taking, and could he have one. Vic was too collected as well. Brian felt like tearing up Melanie's legal briefs and Michael's comic book because he couldn't understand how they could focus on anything except the fate of his love. The only person who wasn't irritating him was Jennifer. She had the same haunted look, and wasn't making any unnecessary noise or movement. The irony of it all was not lost on Brian. In any other situation it would have been immensely amusing.  
  
Brian was in the middle of constructing an extremely long list of people who needed to be hurt when Dr. Graham appeared in the doorway of the waiting room. Brian instinctively glanced at the clock on the wall. It was only mid-afternoon, far to early for the surgery to be over if it had been a success. It was hard to read the expression on the doctor's face. The only appropriate description that came to mind was shell-shocked.  
  
"Mrs. Taylor, Mr. Kinney, may I please speak to you in the hallway."  
  
The silence was absolute. Even Gus seemed to understand that now was not the time to make any noise. Brian and Jennifer looked at each other, each hoping to seek comfort from the other. Panic was very close to the surface. After a moment, they both stood up and followed the doctor. 


	16. chapter 16

~Chapter 16~  
  
"Can you hear what they're saying?" asked Melanie.  
  
"Mo, they are too far away." replied Michael. He was standing guard at the window that looked out on the hallway.  
  
"Can you tell what's going on?" Debbie asked.  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Well, tell us what you see." prompted Emmett.  
  
"Brian looks like a ton of bricks just fell on him and. . . Oh shit!"  
  
"Oh shit what?" asked Lindsay.  
  
"I think that Jennifer is crying."  
  
"You think she is crying or she is crying? There's a difference." Ted said.  
  
"I can see better now, and she definitely is crying. And would you all shut the hell up? Jennifer is following the doctor, and Brian is coming back this way. He looks as pale as a ghost."  
  
Brian stepped back into the waiting room and ignored al of the questions that his friends were hurling at him. He felt blindly for a chair, and sunk into it, sure that his legs couldn't hold him up even a moment more. He didn't know what to do or say. Brian could only sit there, staring at the wall, hoping that the room would stop spinning.  
  
"Jesus fucking Christ!" Melanie exploded at last "Tell us what the hell is going on right now or I swear I will hurt you."  
  
"Gone." Brian managed to say. The word was barely audible.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Gone." Brian repeated, louder this time. His friends all moved back, and the entire room would have gone into hysterics, but Brian continued. "The tumor is gone."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Just what I said. The tumor is gone. The doctor's can't find it."  
  
"How do you lose a tumor?"  
  
"I don't know, but it's not there."  
  
"So what have they been doing this whole time?"  
  
"Doing further tests to see if they can find it, but each test keeps coming back negative."  
  
"That is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever heard."  
  
"Dr. Graham says that he has read about cases like this, but he never believed that it could actually happen."  
  
"It's really gone?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And Justin's going to be fine?"  
  
"That's what the doctor says. he says that he just needs to regain the weight he lost because of the medication and then he'll be back to normal."  
  
"Where is he now?"  
  
"In the recovery room. He's still out cold from the pills they gave him this morning.'  
  
"You mean Justin doesn't even know yet?"  
  
"I guess not."  
  
"Can we see him?"  
  
"Sorry, no. Only one person is allowed with him and it has to be a family member or a spouse. Dr. graham took Jennifer back there so she can convince herself that it's all true, then I'm going to back and wait with him till he wakes up."  
  
"Thank God." Debbie said "Our Sunshine is back."  
  
As Justin was regaining consciousness, the first thing he was aware of was a lot of bright light even though his eyes were still closed. That scared him because it felt like all of those descriptions of death that he had heard about. Justin tried to keep his eyes shut tightly, but the light kept moving closer, and his eyes opened slightly against his will. The first sight he saw was Brian smiling down at him.  
  
"Am I dead?" Justin whispered.  
  
"No. You're very much alive."  
  
"So all of this is real?"  
  
"That's right. I always knew you were a smart kid. How are you feeling baby?"  
  
"I feel like I just had my head cut open." replied Justin, trying to sound even more feeble then he felt.  
  
"That's funny, because you didn't."  
  
"What?!" Justin shot straight up before Brian pushed him back against the pillows.  
  
"You always were a drama princess."  
  
"They didn't do it? What was wrong? Is it too bad to fix? I can't take this anymore." Justin was starting to panic.  
  
"Hush. Calm down baby. Everything's fine. They didn't do the surgery because the tumor is gone."  
  
"What are you on? I don't think that a tumor can just disappear."  
  
"I didn't think so either, but apparently it can."  
  
'That is seriously fucked up."  
  
"I don't understand it all. I'll have Dr. Graham explain it to you later, but right now we have more important things to do."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like this." Brian removed the ring from his pocket and returned it to its proper place on Justin's finger. Then he placed a kiss on the ring and brought Justin's hand to his cheek. "I guess you're stuck with me for a long time to come."  
  
"I think I can handle that."  
  
"No regrets?"  
  
"No regrets." Justin flashed one of his brightest Sunshine smiles. "So, what happens now?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Me either."  
  
For once the fact that he didn't know what was going on didn't frighten Brian. Everything seemed to be just as it should be. He had no idea what was to come for the two of them. The only thing that was clear was that it was sure to be a wild ride, and Brian couldn't wait to get started. 


	17. chapter 17

~Chapter 17~  
  
Brian had told Debbie that after everything was over he would have to get away, and he was right. Only, Justin was going with him, so it was going to be far better than he had imagined. Justin was quickly released from the hospital and returned to the loft where getting better became the top priority. Justin quickly bounced back, and there was one week where Brian didn't think that he would be able to handle all of Justin's renewed energy. He managed just fine. Attention soon turned to a trip. Both Brian and Justin agreed that they needed some time away from Pittsburgh and their friends so that they could concentrate on each other. After much debate they selected Tahiti. Justin wanted to go there so that he could follow in the steps of Gaugin, while Brian had visions of all day fuck-fests on the beach. He tried to convince Justin that they didn't need to take any clothes with them, but was unsuccessful in that regard.  
  
They were gone the entire month of September, and the first week they didn't come up for air. They had a lot of time to make up for. After that, they made sure to spend at least some time each day exploring the island. Given the chance, the lovers would probably have been content to remain there forever. Everyone at home received postcards, but they weren't the cheesy things you find in gift shops. All of them had been hand painted by Justin. It was clear that they were so in love and completely happy together. Justin reported that they only argued once the whole month and that had been followed by the most fan-fucking-tastic make up sex ever. Debbie liked to tell everyone who came into the diner all about Brian in the role of committed partner. This annoyed Brian to know end when he found out, but by that time there was nothing that he could do about it.  
  
The month passed by all too quickly for the lovers, but it was nice to be back in the place that had truly become their home. Pittsburgh may not have had the exotic attraction of Tahiti, but it was where they had met and fallen in love, so they loved it anyway. Brian's friends noticed that he criticized the city less frequently than before. October was a beautiful month in Pittsburgh. Indian summer lingered on, and Brian and Justin took full advantage of the nice weather by going for long walks, just the two of them, almost every day. On one such night, they were walking down Liberty Avenue at dusk when they passed by a coffee shop.  
  
"Want to know your fortunes boys?" Came a familiar voice from one of the outdoor tables. Brian and Justin stopped. Brian looked at Mystic Marilyn for a moment and considered the offer before he put an arm around Justin's waist.  
  
"No thanks. We'll just figure it out as we go along." he said as they walked away. 


End file.
